Doing Better With Gender

I was traveling recently with a friend—let’s call her Amelia—who was misgendered at least twice during our four-hour trip. 

The first time was by the gate agent in Boston, who politely said, “You can proceed, sir.” 

Amelia turned, smiled, and said, “Thank you!” in a friendly, feminine-sounding voice. 

I saw the look of surprise on the gate agent’s face before we moved on. 

Amelia’s pronouns are she/her/hers. She’s tall and fit. From a distance, when she’s wearing a baseball cap, I could see how someone might not be sure of her gender.

Amelia took that and the next occasion in stride, maintaining her cheerful demeanor. And I have no doubt that the gate agent intended to be polite. But I couldn’t help but think that being misgendered must get old. Don’t we all want to be seen for who we are?

I checked in with Amelia. She said yes—and: “It’s usually people like me, who don’t fit in a box, who run into this issue. But the truth is that you shouldn’t make assumptions about anyone, even if you think you know their gender from looking at them.” 

It got me thinking about how we can do better. What could we all say to avoid misgendering someone in the first place? And how can we respond when we make a mistake? 

A few suggestions:

• Remind yourself not to make assumptions. Your perception might not align with how someone self-identifies. You don’t know someone’s gender until they tell you.

• Drop the honorifics like sir, ma’am, Mr., and Mrs. The whole point of an honorific is to be polite and show respect—but misgendering someone has the opposite impact. Let go of this linguistic habit. Instead of “Thank you ma’am,” say “Thank you;” instead of “You can proceed, sir,” just say, “You can proceed,” with a smile.

• If someone tells you that you’ve made a mistake, a simple, sincere apology is ideal. “I’m sorry” works well. “Thank you for correcting me” is also a nice way to go. Don’t make it worse by trying to explain your intent or otherwise making a big deal of it. Whatever you do, no tears in front of them! The person you misgendered should not have to take care of you.

• If it happens with someone you know or see frequently, you can add, “It won’t happen again” or “I will do better” to your “I’m sorry.” Make that commitment, and mean it.

• If you think you’ve made a mistake but the person hasn’t corrected you, don’t try to fix it with another assumption; you might make it worse.

Amelia looks at the big picture: “If we could all make a shift to not assume, the world would be a safer, more comfortable place for everyone,” she told me. “Rethinking our use of pronouns is like placing a ramp or an elevator in a public space. It’s inclusive and considerate—without taking anything away from people who use the stairs without thinking about it.”

The way I put it? This has nothing to do with political correctness. It’s about showing another human being respect.