Instead Of Saying “I Didn’t Mean It,” Do These Four Things

We’re all human. We all make mistakes, including “microaggressions.” 

When we do, we don't have negative intent behind it—by definition. Yet so often we feel compelled to defend our intention, explain it, and argue that our good intentions outweigh whatever offense was caused. 

We are afraid that admitting a mistake—especially one that reveals our implicit biases—means we will forever be labeled a “racist,” “misogynist,” “homophobe,” or otherwise “not woke enough.”

The irony is, it’s exactly this reaction that usually gets people the reputation for being backward—not the original mistake. 

When someone tells you that you have hurt their feelings in some way, they (usually) aren’t calling you out to shame you or brand you as an oppressor. They are just asking to be heard. 

So when we get defensive, we miss their point. And the other person will feel unheard, on top of the exclusion they already feel.  

What should we do instead? 

When you feel yourself wanting to defend your intention—”I didn’t mean it,” “You didn’t understand,” “You’re too sensitive”—take a breath. 

This is your chance to be intentional—after unintentionally hurting someone.

Try these four steps:

1. Listen. Paying attention to someone is one of the simplest ways to show respect. It goes a long way.

2. Believe. You might not understand it, or might not have reacted in the same way, but try to believe the person when they describe the impact that your words had on them. Accepting their perspective means you’re learning something new. That’s a gift.

3. Apologize. “I’m sorry.” (There’s no “if” or “but.”) This can be the hardest part—but it’s also what leads away from conflict and toward trust.

4. Work. You will need to avoid causing the harm again. If you’re not totally sure what went wrong, you can ask—but don’t assume the other person will take the time to explain. There are other places you can go to learn. (Like this blog!)

Everyone says the wrong thing sometimes. Mistakes are understandable. Don’t compound the mistake by getting defensive.

The Basics: What’s A Microaggression?

We have been using the word “microaggressions” a lot in recent years—but it’s actually an old term.

It was coined by psychiatrist Dr. Chester Pierce about 50 years ago to differentiate racist physical violence and overt discrimination—just plain “aggression”—from more subtle, everyday slights that members of minority groups faced. Hence, microaggression.

These small or inadvertent behaviors are different from everyday rudeness for three reasons: 

1. They single a person out for a difference based on their personal identity. Even compliments like “Your English is so good” or “Can I touch your hair?” may have an upsetting effect, because they reinforce assumptions and stereotypes about being something other than “the norm.”
   

2. They are ubiquitous. Asian Americans seem to be asked “Where are you from?” much more than white Americans are, for instance, so they may feel constantly reminded that they don’t appear to belong here.
   

3. The person committing them often has no idea they have done anything wrong. Microaggressions are a manifestation of implicit bias. The person didn’t intend to cause harm—but their words or behavior revealed their biases. When called on their comment, the speaker is likely to defend their intent. This makes it very difficult for a person on the receiving end to give feedback, receive an apology, and feel confident the behavior will change.

These three make a frustrating combination. You feel an insult that you know is related to your identity. You’ve heard it numerous times, from various people. And when you say something, people say “You’re being oversensitive! I didn’t mean anything by it! It was a compliment!”

No wonder this phenomenon contributes to chronic stress and serious health problems. 

And at work, it contributes to burnout, disengagement, and turnover. If your colleagues compulsively slight you, even unconsciously, it’s hard to concentrate and do your best work. If they won’t listen to feedback or make changes to accommodate how you feel, why not find an organization where they will? 

Having a sense of belonging is a fundamental part of a healthy organizational culture. Understanding microaggressions—how to avoid them, and more importantly, how to talk about them without getting defensive—is essential to extending that belonging to everyone. 

And if someone tells you you’ve committed one, remember: it’s not about your intentions. You might have intended to compliment someone, but your words clearly had a different impact.

So, listen, apologize, and try to do better. That mindset makes all the difference in the world.

Five Tips For Thanksgiving Conversations

It’s not uncommon to feel some anxiety about attending Thanksgiving get-togethers. The recent election makes this year especially tricky. Will people be there who have different politics than you? Will there be someone who likes to say inappropriate or upsetting things? Here are some tips for making it through the especially heightened atmosphere this week. 

1. Before you go, center yourself. Ground on your values: what matters to you more deeply than any one election or talking point. Recall past positive connections you’ve had with family members or friends. Be prepared to have a good time. If you really are worried, focus on what you’re grateful for.

2. Ask a question instead of making a statement if someone says something that offends you. Something simple like, “What do you mean by that?” This forces them to explain the assumptions they’re making, which can interrupt whatever biases might have been implicit. And even if it doesn’t redirect the speaker much, it will still have an impact on any observers.

3. Don’t laugh at inappropriate jokes. Sometimes we laugh out of nervousness or refrain from commenting so as not to seem oversensitive. But this encourages the behavior. At the very least, try to stay straight-faced. A student in a workshop once suggested saying “I don’t get the joke.” That puts someone on the spot to explain the joke—which they might realize they’d rather not do. 

4. Offer a different opinion. When a group nods along with one person’s strongly asserted point of view, it doesn’t necessarily mean they all agree—they may just want to keep things harmonious. Calmly providing a counter-example from your experience, or a simple statement of your own values, gives others permission to nod along to that perspective instead.

5. Excuse yourself if it's intolerable. You don’t want to be rude, but sometimes our emotions escalate beyond our ability to communicate effectively. It’s okay to leave for a few minutes, and take a walk around the block or call a friend to commiserate. Practicing self-care at these times is important.